Between Doubt and Taking Risk

In the past several weeks, I’ve been doubt a lot regarding my continuity of my education.. Going to French to take my master degree have been my dreams for years, but now when I’m only a few step ahead to achieve it, I hesitate.. Partly because I don’t know what subject I want to take in French.. When I search on the subject that compatible with my previous education, which is law, it had like 1600 subject that I can choose for my master degree and I had to study it one by one in order to get the most compatible subject with my keenness and capability.. Other part is I don’t know whether law is the subject I want to work in.. Some people has said to me that they have doubts that law is my strongest competence and not sure if it’s my talent.. So all of this had been very overwhelming for me and make me confuse in deciding the next step for me..
Right now I’m still considering whether law is my talent or not.. What even more confusing for me is if law really not my talent then what is? Not mentioning that it means I’ve been throwing away 4 years in my life studying something that I don’t like and not contributing anything in my life.. I mean am I able to throw away that 4 years education just like that? And what should I do for the next?
My father’s friend say that I need to make a life scheme, something that I want to achieve in the future and how am I going to make it happened.. She said she knew from the beginning that law is not my subject but I need to figured it myself what is the right subject for me.. Not she nor any other person can tell me because the passion come from inside of me.. When I thought what see said to me, I realize that I have no life scheme, I have no desire, I have no ambition, I don’t what I want to do with my life tomorrow or even today.. I just living day to day, not living at my best because how can I live not knowing where my life ahead for..
I just finished reading the book by Paulo Coelho, By The River Peidra I Sat Down and Wept, a lot of things can be learned from this book but the one of things that I want to put in my blog this time, is about taking risk.. We must taking risk, we only can understand the miracle of life wholly if we accepted the unexpected to happened.. Happiness is sometimes is a gift but most of the time is a conquest.. A conquest to seek our dreams.. True, we’ll be suffering, we’ll confront a lot of difficulty, and we’ll deal with a lot of disappointment, but its only temporary and won’t left an eternal scratch.. And one day if we look back, we can see the route of our journey with pride and confidence .. For the people who not dare to take risk, he may not felt disappointed in his life, he may not be suffer as much as the person who seek their dream.. But when he look back in their life-and at some point of his life, every human being must look back-he’ll hear his heart saying, “What have you done with all the miracles God given in your life? You buried yourself for fearing losing those gives. So this is what you’re going to get: you have wasted your life.”
One of the things in know for sure in my life is I don’t like taking risk, but I also know how can we have paramount life if we don’t take risk in life.. I know this is one of the thing I need to deal and overcome.. Other things is I believe that we, human, are God’s creature, so there must be a purpose why God create us.. Each of us has a mission that God intended for us.. Figuring what I want to do for the rest of my life has a link with knowing what is God expect me to be.. So I think the first step I needed to do is pray and asking God what kind of person He intended me to become..

A Lifetime Lesson from a Beggar

Before I move to Jakarta, I think I already know how hard life in Jakarta.. I first think that I can use busway for transportation, living alone in a boarding house, have no friend here etc.. so from the very first time I already know how hard my life could be in Jakarta.. But reality is different from my imagination.. Its even so much harder..
The prize of the boarding house in Jakarta is very expensive so its difficult to get a boarding house in the central city or near my course place.. Right now I shared a room with my sister in Tanah Kusir, Jakarta Selatan which is good in someway because if I’m sick there is someone can took care of me or I have someone I can talk to or vice versa.. but of course certain problem concerning privacy arose and become problem we need to deal from time to time..
Another problem in Jakarta is the problem of transportation.. Instead of using busway, I end up using the metromini because there is no busway that passing near my boarding house.. People that ever used Metromini know how terrible the condition of Metromini, there is no Air Conditioner and usually overload.. Not mentioning the driver used to drive carelessly and the pollution that I breath everyday.. Several times in a week I need to go to Menteng.. When I return from Menteng is around 4-5 P.M, it’s the end of office hours so its really crowded in the streets.. It took 3 hours from Menteng to my boarding house and I used Metromini to go home.. I used to complained a lot, how hot the weather, how crowded inside the bus, the pollution, the traffic jam and I imagine my life in Surabaya and how comfortable my life used to.. So I regret it and complained even more..
One time when I return from Menteng, when I reached Arteri Pondok Indah, the traffic jam is really severe, so of course I’m really in a bad mood and complained a lot about how hot the weather, how severe is the traffic jam is and how big the person that sit next to me.. Suddenly a beggar entered the Metromini.. I saw him and thinking he just a kid, he’s age maybe around 10 years old.. As usual he sing before starts begging for money to the passenger.. As I pay attention, I notice that his voice is actually has run-out but he force it to continue to sing and he did it passionately.. Through the whole song, he smile to the passenger..
I began to think about his life and what kind of life he’s been through.. He must have a very hard life.. Hearing his voice, I know he must have been singing the whole day and now in the end of the day (it’s around 7 P.M) he’s still need to work.. I imagine he must not have the time to go to school and some of what he earned that day must be given to his boss.. What he have in the end may not be much and couldn’t be enough to have a decent life.. I imagine what he would be doing in the future because he can’t be a beggar through out his life, at some point he had to stop but what kind of job he can do if he don’t have education.. Of course the choice is going to be very limited for him..
His constant smile to the passenger and his passion when he sing that first catch my attention.. With a hard life ahead him, he still can smile.. That fact brought shame on me on how easily I complained.. I began to see my life differently and asking what I’m really complaining about.. I have amazing parents and family that always support me, I don’t have to begging for food, I have a Bachelor degree from reputable university, If I work I can have a decent salary, I have a plan for my future and right now I’m working on it and more importantly I have a choice to decide what I’m going to do with my life.. Suddenly life is not as hard as I thought before, the heat is not as hot as before, the traffic jam and the person that sit right next to me is not bothering as much as before..
Its true when people said that poverty didn’t automatically signify unhappiness.. That smile I saw from that kid showed me how true that phrase is.. In the end I gave him Rp. 500 for the song he sang and a lesson of a lifetime that I learned from him.. Until now I never met him again but I’ll never forget the lesson he thought me and the smile in his face..

Merry Christmas (wrote in 17 Des 2008)

I found this amazing story of an eight year old girl named Virginia O’Hanlon who wrote a letter to the editor of New York’s Sun, asking if there is a Santa Claus.. The question is answered by newsman Francis Pharcellus Church and his response was very moving to many people who read it.. It first appeared in the New York Sun in 1897 and was reprinted annually until 1949 when the paper went out of business.. More than a century later it remains the most reprinted editorial ever to run in any newspaper in the English language and appearing in part or whole in dozens of languages in books, movies, and on posters and stamps.. Personally, I like this story because it show me that the most important thing in life usually things we can’t see like love and hope but just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it didn’t exist.. Since its near Christmas, I can’t think more appropriate time to publish it in my blog.. Hope you find this interesting as I did.. Merry Christmas everyone..

“Dear Editor: I am 8 years old.. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.. Papa says, ‘If you see it in the Sun, its so.’ Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?”
Virginia O’Hanlon

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You may tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

The Biggest Debt in My Life: My Parents (wrote in 11 Des 2008)

A few days ago I heard a news that stunned me, the father of my friend just got an accident and now in a coma.. So when I have the chance to met him, of course I asked about the condition of his father.. Firstly he showed me the picture of his car that totally smashed and told me excitingly the story how the car can get smashed.. I didn’t remember the detail but it seems his car is in the middle of a container and a bus or something like that and the drivers runaway and he wants to report it to the police..
When another friend of mine came, he asked him about the accidents and he said the exact story with the same level of excitement and of course showed the picture.. And that’s happened probably twice so I heard it three times.. It seems strange to me that he didn’t seems sad or worried about his father at all.. The only times he said about the condition of his father is that he’s in coma and that’s it.. So I asked the question if he is worried or not about the condition of his father.. This is his answer: “Ren, there is a lot of problem in this world, lets not adding more problem to think about..”
When I heard that, I’m totally shocked.. I can’t imagine there is a person that can feel that way about his father.. I don’t know what’s happened within his family, so maybe I can’t judge him, but a thought that he thinks his father, when he is in a coma when he need support from his family the most, as a problem just stunned me.. If I didn’t heard it myself I probably wont believe it.. Not that it didn’t exist in the world, I know it does, but I never thought that my friend who I know quite well, can have those kind of feeling about his own father..
I remember a conversation with my French teacher a few months ago about parents and children (I forgot the details but this is the main story).. She said to me and the class that there is only one reason why a child can live and that is because our parents want us to live.. She shared her experience when she became a mother herself.. When she’s pregnant, its like a torture, she has to quit smoking and during the 7 until 9 months pregnancy she felt pain in her back and there is nothing she can do to ease the pain because if she use medicine or balsam, it can hurt the baby and eventually will cause the baby to be born abnormal.. When the moment is ready, it’s a matter of life and death to delivered the baby.. Even after the baby is born, its still took a lot of effort to raise the baby.. Like when the baby cry in 2 A.M, she has to wake up to checked the baby even if she didn’t like doing it, and when she’s ill and the baby also ill yet she had put the baby as her first priority.. Many times she has to force herself to do things that she may not like to makes sure the baby is fine.. She asked us: “Can you imagine what if the mother is a bit lazy, choose not to wake up in 2 A.M and let the baby cry or when she pregnant and felt pain in her back and choose to use medicine to ease her pain and risking the healthy of her baby or when she ill and choose not to take care the baby? So its reality that we can live today because our parents want us to live.”
I always remembered that conversation because it changed my point of view to my parents.. I imagine how vulnerable I am when I’m a baby and how easy it is I became abnormal if my parents choose to neglected me.. I turn out to be ok so my parents must have did a great job to make sure I’m alive.. Another reason why I always remember what she said is because a few days after that the I heard what my father said to his friend (read my last blog), and it really touched me how my parents must have love me.. That conversation makes me realize that every child owes their life to their parents.. I always know that but when my teacher said that, its the first time that I really understand the meaning of it..
I guess from this blog you can say that I didn’t agree with what my friend felt towards his father.. You can say that I probably being too judging, remembering that I didn’t know the condition of his family.. But every family has its own problem rite? Me too, I only said this to couple of my best friends but when I was a kid my father kicked me out from the house.. He even took me to a street and abandoned me there.. Then there is two persons who saw that, chase my father and somehow able to talk to my father so he take me back (I always felt indebted for those two persons that I never know).. Anyway from that moment my relationship with my father is damaged because I know he can always kicked me out again so I’m not really get along with him, unlike my sisters, until maybe recently when I’m in Jakarta.. but still when I know my father is in accidents I worried so much (he’s a reckless driver so there is a number of accidents).. what I want to say from my story is that every family has its own problem but it didn’t change the fact that they still our parents and we owed our life to them..
While writing this blog, I’m thinking what have I done to repay my parents for what they’ve done and the answered that came out is none.. Its such a shame knowing that I haven’t been able to repay them although I know everything that I’ve done to them wont be able to match what they’ve done to me.. Surprisingly I never said I love them directly, not even to my mother.. I guess I have to much pride and its difficult for a me and most of the man I guess, to say those things that people might consider corny.. I remember in Oprah, I heard a man said this: “if you can have 1 more day with the person you love but already died, what are you going to say to that person.. Every persons that I ask said they will ask for forgiveness and then said that they love them..” .. I hope I have the courage to said it and the time to said it.

Because Giving Up Shouldn’t be An Option (wrote in 22 Nov 2008)

Its been 3 months since my arrival to the capital city of Indonesia, Jakarta.. 3 months may not seem like quite a long time but for me its been like forever.. That doesn’t mean I hate Jakarta, contrary I actually like living in Jakarta.. I envy its lively condition that other city in Indonesia didn’t have.. except for the traffic that I really discontent, other than that its fine.. but for me its been quite hard because I stayed in Jakarta for preparation for my study in French and not to work.. the living cost in Jakarta is very expensive not mentioning the cost for my French course.. I feel like I becoming a burden to my parents, in the age that I’m supposedly already independence.. And I hate myself for that..

Other things that makes me stress is the more I stayed in Jakarta the more I’m scared because I realize that to be accepted in French is really difficult.. I’m afraid after I spend a lot of my times and my parents money and in the long run I failed.. I know how much money that my parents spent for me, whether in Jakarta or for my study in French later on.. so its even make me feel more pressured to be success.. however instead feeling motivated, I become more terrified.. So lately this has become my biggest anxiety and the more I think about it the more stress I become, so I decided to give up on going to French..

It seems my mom know something had happened because recently every time she called me, she always asking me is there anything wrong or what’s going on or if you have problem don’t keep it on your own (I guess this called mom’s intuition), and she ask me all of those question within 1 call and not only one time but several times.. The last time she called me, she even said just do your best, if you didn’t accepted in French you can always take your master degree here.. Gosh I just can feel her love.. But somehow I just can’t said to her that I want to give up.. I don’t know why I can’t said it.. maybe because French has been my dream since forever or maybe I know if I give up I will hate myself more than right now..

A few days ago, I found out something that really struck me.. My dad said to his friend that he actually regret he didn’t nurtured me well but in the end I become a son that never disappointed him.. he also said that as a son, I rarely ask something and never troubled him and since he know that French is my dream so even though it will cost a lot of money, he’ll do his best to support my dream because its like the first time he can offer his help as a father.. Gosh when I heard that I cried, even until now when I write this I want to cry.. I never thought that my dad have such a deep feeling towards me and he saw me as a son that never troubled him while in fact I’m so dependent on my parents until now and never look myself as a good son..

Knowing that just encouraged me to go on and see what the end of the road will be.. I always know that I have a good parents and felt lucky to be born in this family but that was the very first time I felt truly blessed to be born into two incredible people.. In the same day, I found two amazing quote.. The first one is said by Simon Oates: Because giving up shouldn’t be an option, which inspire me to use it as the title of this blog.. the other by Randy Pausch saying that the great wall is there for a reason: they let us show how badly we want it and to separate us from people who really didn’t want it.. yup every problem that I’ve been through is my great wall to accomplish the goal that I already set up..

Personally for me I know that if I give up today it seems like its a good decision, not wanting to become a burden for my parents or the stress and many other thing.. but maybe for the first time I start to think about the future, I know if I give up today, 1 years from now I’ll regret the decision that I give up today.. I will think all I need to do is just give one more push and wandering is it possible to go to French.. so now that’s what I need to do.. just give one more push so in the future I didn’t need to wondering any more.. Even if I didn’t accepted in French, at least I give my best shot.. so yeah giving up shouldn’t be an option..

An Admiration of a Grandson (wrote in 19 Nov 2008)

Last Friday was my Grandmother’s birthday.. I congratulate her via telephone and talking with her for a few minute.. Her birthday inspire me to write this blog as a recognition for all the deeds that she’s done in her life and how me, as her grandson, really admire her strength, her faith, her compassion, her courage and her genuine love that she possess..

My Grandmother born in 1927 in Malang and her parents named her Tan Swan Nio.. Both of my great grandparents are devoted Christian so no wonder my Grandmother also raise in Christian faith.. She studied in a Chinese School called Ling Hua.. In that school, she later found her future husband, my Grandfather, who at that time work as an English teacher.. His name is Chou Chin Shien.. After she’s graduated, my Grandfather who already in love, went my her house and met my great grandparents asking if he can teach her English in private.. Later during one of the session of English session, my Grandfather propose her and they got married.. They later have 4 children.. My mother is the youngest one.. Sadly my Grandfather died of a heart attack when my mother was just 2 years old.. and from that moment begin the hard day for my Grandmother who have to raise 4 children on her own..

I personally can’t imagine how a woman, alone in the year sixties, without bachelor degree or even high school degree, without work experience, with only a small amount of money left had to figured it out a way to support the continuance life of herself and her children.. but my Grandmother did it.. Not only that, all of their children completed their education.. My mother choose to study in a secretarial school in WM and graduated.. Her eldest sister finished her education as a Sarjana Muda theologia (dunno how to translate this in English).. What even more stunning, my Grandmother even managed to send 2 of her son to study in German and also my Grandmother managed to nurture many person, her younger sister and brother, her nephew, and many other person who later considered her as their mother too.. I once asked her what’s makes her able to accomplish so much and defeat so many obstacle.. there is no hesitation when she said that when she look back all that ever happened she also wondering how can she manage to do all of that, so there is only one answer because of God.. God able her to do things beyond her own imagination..

During those turbulence times, she opened a small shop in a traditional market near her house.. One time afterward, someone deceive her and cause her unable to continue her shop anymore (the detail is to complex to explained).. But she received it with a great humbleness, saying God had other way.. And so He did.. Later on, a friend of her teach her how to sew and from that day forward she’s become a tailor for daster(again dunno in English)..
She also had twice grave accidents that almost cause her life.. One of it, I still remember the story, is happened when she want to go to sby and she went by travel.. The travel pick her and she sat in the front seat, in the left side of the driver.. After pick up the other passenger, one of them wants to sit in her place.. I guess not many people were willingly to give up their seat for they have sat on it first but my Grandmother gave up her seat and move to the back, behind the driver.. In the way to sby, the car crashed.. the person who took my Grandmother seat died in that accident.. My Grandmother wounded but survive.. She has to be hospitalized though.. there is a real lesson of endurance that i can learned from my Grandmother

If people ask me what is the one that makes her so special among many other quality, I have to say her faith.. She has the biggest faith in God that I ever seen in one person.. She woke up every morning in 4 am to pray and every night she go down on her knees to pray again.. She never start a day and ended a day without talking to God.. What even more astounding, person who see her pray can fall back to sleep because she’s praying very long.. I think her faith can be seen in her character.. She just have the biggest heart and hugging her is felt so secure.. Other things believe it or not but I never see her angry at anyone..

Her biggest influence on me is probably my faith to God.. Not many people know but during my youth time I choose to become agnostic.. I didn’t really said it out loud but my attitude has already proven it.. I refuse to go to church.. I guess my mother tell this to my grandmother and at one point when I’m visiting her in Malang she talk to me.. She didn’t say that I must go back to church or bla bla bla.. No, she tell me about her experience and how God been good on her and never disappointed her.. When she speak you can truly feel her genuine faith and kindness.. And at the end of our conversation, as usual actually, she said that she will pray for me and for all the steps that I took, and may it not be far from God.. Until today I can still remember how she talked and honestly it brought tears in my eyes.. People who ever hear her talking definitely understand my feeling.. Of course I’m not immediately change.. it would take some more process and times.. Even until today I still have some question unanswered.. But no matter what happen, I don’t think I can ever go back to become agnostic or atheis again because I already seen a living proof how God do exist and He influence everyday of our life and I see that in my Grandmother..

I have to say that I felt really blessed that in my life I have the chance not only to know her but become her grandson.. I believe there is no coincidence in this world so I’m grateful God put me as her grandson.. Happy b’day gramz.. so sorry I can’t be in Trawas to celebrate with you..

Growth: A Point of No Return (wrote in 19 Nov 2008)

When I’m in jkt, I’m counting my days until I can come to sby.. I’m always say to practically everyone, that I miss my hometown and can’t wait to get there soon.. Life in jkt is hard, no doubt about it.. That’s may be one of the reason why I miss my hometown so much, beside most of my family n friends reside in sby.. Also living in sby is pretty much easy.. Not so much responsibility, not so much drama and I hv parent that can help me..

But the strangest thing happened.. The moment I’m in sby, I feel bored.. The afternoon is the hardest coz I got nothing to do.. I usually spent my time with talking to my mom or go online in warnet but its obviously that I having nothing to do.. Even went out with my friends in the evening didn’t help much.. Its still fun of course but I guess the level of its excitement is not the same as it used to be.. Not that I didn’t like living in sby its just somehow sby didn’t feel the same to me anymore.. Suddenly I miss jkt..

I began to wonder why until a few days after, when I pick out Chris, we’re going to tp, I brought up what I felt.. He has the same story with me.. He come from Semarang (smg) and then continue his study in sby.. When he’s in sby, he always miss smg but when he’s already in smg he miss sby.. He then said that maybe people need to grow.. What he said really struck me which inspire me to write this blog.. Yeah people do need to grow.. I guess there is a level where you just can’t get back to your ‘past life’ and I’ve reached that level when I’m moving in to jkt.. From now on, I can’t see my hometown the way I see it before.. I know now that when I can’t coming back to my hometown still hoping that I’m the same person as I used to be before I leave sby.. Everything has changed.. Or maybe I can say that I changed or jkt changed me, I dunno..

What more concern me is who I am rite now and what should I do now knowing that I’ve changed so much.. It remains a mystery for me.. All I can say is I’m growing and it won’t stop.. May be its because of the goal I set up for myself.. And to reach that goal I can’t be the person who I used to be so I need to grow..

Looking Succes through My Eyes (wrote in 2 Sept 2008)

hm still connecting to my birthday, suddenly i have a lot of idea in writing.. i think all of us have a dream rite? so i’ve been thinking lately about my dream, a lot of people been asking me what do i want in my birthday.. i usually answered a successful life.. but what is successful life really mean for me? so i’ve been looking for the answer for quite a long time but still it got me confuse on deciding the definition for me..
When i think about this matter, i suddenly remembered the seminar that i participated a few years back than.. the tutor of the seminar explain that in order to have a success life, one of the element that necessary is a supporting life partner (aka wife or husband).. he then told a story (i didn’t really remember the details but this is the key points of the story) that he knew a guy who open a store that become quite success then the owner decided to open another 2 stores which both the stores has become profitable.. when he saw he that he’s thinking on risking his capital to make the store bigger n hopefully will bring more profit, but his wife disagree and so he called it off.. the tutor at that seminar said that this guy failed to success because he didn’t have the "supportive wife".. he chose to declined his plan because of the disagreement that coming from his wife..
when i heard the story for the first time, i’m agree with the tutor but today when i’m thinking about success, i suddenly changed my opinion.. you may found it really cliche, but i end up thinking that everybody have their own opinion or definition regarding to success rite? what somebody think of success may be different than the other’s.. i know that majority of people equivalent money with success but there are people who didn’t put money to define success.. that guy for example, he believe that his wife is more important than all the money he can possibly have.. Maybe for him, a successful life is a successful marriage and in that term he might be successful.. yup each of us have our own idea about an "ideal life" rite?
other thing, when i’m in jkt n currently staying with my father’s friend, she said something to me that really struck me.. first of all she’s said that a man (read: person) must have a purpose in his life.. people who didn’t have a goal is normally people who depressed the most.. but she also distinguish the difference between dream (angan2, dunno the english so i translate it into dream) and purpose.. she’s said everybody has a dream but only a few that have a purpose in their life.. when somebody has a dream, he didn’t makes the plan how to achieve his dream, for example when people ask what is your dream, they normally just said they want to be rich but they didn’t make a plan how to achieve that dream, they only dream it and hope that one day God may grant their wishes.. but a man with a purpose in his life, he set up "the blue print" how to achieve his purpose, and he follow it step by step.. it didn’t happened in one night but it could took years of countless hard works depending on your purpose..
so back to my life, what is success for me? how i define it? i think success is when I achieve my purposes and able to said in the end that i’ve done my best.. so it lead to another question what is my purpose in life?hm honestly its a very difficult question to answer, so i tried to simplified it by making the list on 10 thing that must happen in my life and hopefully at the end it can make mu satisfied:
1. take my master degree in France, hopefully my doctoral degree as well
2. get a job and live in Canada (dunno why but it seem a beautiful country for me)
3. backpacking throughout Europe while earning my degree (hopefully i have the chance for the world also)
4. find my soulmate and making a family, then be a good father and an good exemplar for my children
5. honeymoon in places with a beautiful beach then Make Love with my soulmate in the sea-shore ^_^
6. write a book and become a writer (it will be great if i can even make this for a living as well)
7. being a son that can makes my parents proud and makes them happy
8. Remain faithful on the value that i believe today (even if it have to changed, hopefully its still a good value) and God till the end of my life
9. being able to grow old with my soulmate and still love each other (i picturing us in our 80s and still holding hand while walking in the park n seeing sunset together)
10. In the end of my life, i can proudly say that i have a good life, no regret and God’s been good to me

22 years old: A Confession of Man (wrote in 1 Sept 2008)

yupz.. today i finally reach 22 years old huhuhuhu.. people often says when a man reach 21 years old, he’s already a man.. i always joke with my friend saying dat 21 years old is the last years of being boys, that mean 22 is the actual years for a man to be called a man he5.. dunno if anyone believe dat he5.. but i try 2 believe dat coz i want 2 expand my youth time.. maybe bcoz i hate leaving my time as a boy.. i hv a lot of fun n minimum resposibility.. my parents still support me n when anyone pointing out 2 me, i can always say: ‘i’m still a boy, what can u expect from me?’ he5.. yup its my way to escape adult responsibility..
but now i’m 22 years old.. that mean no way out again.. i’m a man right now.. rite now, juz a few minute before my birthday, it makes me think what have i accomplish so far as a boy for my preparation 2 become a man.. hm guess the answer is i didn’t really prepared for anything.. i’m very lazy during my time in university, thus my GPA point wasn’t as high as it should been (didn’t try being cocky but i know my capability so i wasn’t satisfied enough).. like i said before i have a lot fun there so i guess i play around 2 much.. but no blame on that, its my responsibility.. i make the choice of play instead attend the classes (yup i skip a lot of classes for capsa).. i wasn’t really active in organization as i should have been, i mean i have a lot of free time and i didn’t used it for activities that may going to pay me back in the future.. i didn’t do any intern or even side jobs.. i lost a lot of my good time where i actually have the most chance or time to be active in building my future.. yup its my biggest regret rite now..
Twice in my participation in Jessup, i see a lot of successful person at my age (some of them is even younger).. it surprise me how they can manage to get that much in a such young age.. well i guess their hard work paid off.. rite now i’m in jkt n during my french lesson i met several amazing person.. person that have determination n goal at a such young age (one of them juzt recently graduated from high school!!) and they have accomplish a lot.. I didn’t need to tell you what kind of success they achieved, it juz that for me they have been really2 success n i’m not.. honestly it suck knowing that there are many person outside who accomplished much more than you.. i makes me think what kind of life that i have.. but i know its my fault, i’m the party to blame.. i’m d one who makes the choice not to try that hard..
Jkt really is an eye opening moment for me.. during the Jessup competition n rite know i have the chance to meet a lot of amazing persons.. i never thought there is that many person that so successful.. Ok that’s a lie ha5.. Being an Oprah’s fans, i have always known that many people has pushed themselves so far that it juzt surprised u what a man is capable to..
dunno why but during birthday i always picturing myself that one dayi’m going 2 die n God asked me what did i do in my life? so far ididn’t have the answer yet n it frightens me.. it seems that i havenothing to be proud of about myself.. so now its my birthday n i always hate birthday (except may be when i still a child).. a part of is because i’m getting older, damn! the other it makes u realize that the time is clicking.. sooner or later u have to become what destiny destined u to be (what a phrase ha5).. n if u get lazy on your life rite now, destiny will be harsh on u and vice versa..
hm so what should i do know? may be i need to try being harsh on myself.. i need to stop playing around when i have a prior commitment to attend.. that doesn’t mean i can’t a rest (i mean what kind of life without fun rite? he5), juzt maybe i need a better coordination on my priority..the most important i guess i need to stop looking at people’s success story and compared it with my life’s strory.. i guess its important for me to realize that other people shoes may not be fit on my feet.. they have their own story, that’s great, but maybe i should making my own story.. beside God makes each of us different rite? every person have their own standard of success n maybe the thing that i defined success n i see it in those person may not be a success at all for them yet..other thing, i really need to stop seeing age to defined success.. i remember in chicken soup(i forgot in what series), that the editors making the list of numerous people that success in the age that the world may not see it as a productive age.. i forget the name in that list but one that i remembered is Nelson Mandela.. When he elected for being the President of South Africa, he was 76 years old.. i’m 22 years old now.. yup happy b’day 4 me he5.. its my time 2 see the world from a man eyes.. so scary yet at the same time exciting..

The next chapter: Move in to jkt (wrote in 21 August 2008)

For several months since my graduation day, I’ve been jobless.. Nothing to do in sby.. It’s been a pretty boring life for me, until one day my father suggest me that maybe it will be better if I move in to jkt.. I’ve been waiting to move out from sby since like forever so it may sound weird but the moment I had the chance to leave sby, I’m not happy but confuse.. I suddenly having a lot of doubt before I leave sby n moving 2 jkt.. I’m worried about my dad, who suddenly got sick (but he recovered now), my mom n grams who might get lonely, my dad’s job (who’s going 2 help him), who do I know in jkt, what do I know about jkt etc.. It seems there is a lot of reason not 2 go 2 jkt.. But of course there is always an excuse 2 avoid it if things that u need 2 do is d things that u don’t want 2 do the most.. So I guess I can say the real reason I’m myself pretty scared moving 2 jkt..
Other reason maybe even though I’m very bored in sby, living in sby is very comfortable for me.. I don’t have to worry about paying rent or electricity or other bill and my parents always support me.. I have my own bedroom with air conditioner, my private tv, ps2, dvd player, and tape recorder.. What else do I need? I also hv a lot of friends here and they always care 4 me.. Life has been very good on me here in sby..
But then I remember that change is a part of nature (ratatouille).. Its d only thing in this world that would never change.. Change is suck.. No doubt about it.. We have 2 learn new things, try 2 feel new experience, meet new people etc.. But all of that could come 2 worse when u failed, when the fact suddenly hit u that is not the right path.. Since of course there is no guarantee that u will be success.. Then u should start all over again n hoping that the next step u take may lead u to the right path, which of course there is a possible chance u might failed yet again.. But there is something that change also offer, a new life.. U can start your life again n this time u can do it as crazy as u wannabe until u need to change again..
I suddenly remember a scene in television comedy series, F.R.I.E.N.D.S, when Rachel wants to move to Paris n she said she’s scared n Ross try everything he could to make her stay in New York including seeing Rachel’s ex boss.. When Rachel got back her old job n so she didn’t have 2 move to Paris, she’s suddenly felt sad because she do look forward moving to Paris, to experience working in fashion capital of the world so she’s said.. When Ross ask her that he thought she’s said she scared, Rachel said that it’s a good scared, like the first time she move to New York she’s scared or the first time she found out she’s having Emma (her daughter) she’s scared..
So I guess it’s the same with me.. It’s a good scared.. Thought I hate leaving behind my life chapter in sby, I also can’t wait what life might bring 4 me in jkt.. Don’t know what might happened at the same times.. But that’s the good things about life rite.. Coz if u know what might happened, its not fun anymore.. The good thing about life is its unpredictability n we should be grateful 4 it.. Yup it’s a good scared.. Its exciting..

When Friendship Becomes Suck (wrote in 17 feb 2008)

Guyz do u ever felt alone when actually there are a lot of people surround u? Hm datz wat I felt today.. I’ve been busy for a while with my tesis and competition that I faced just now, so I dun have much time to keep in touch wit my friend.. After all my duty is done, we han’ out for 2 celebrate valentine and I suddenly felt I wasn’t belong to d “group” anymore.. They keep talking about many topics dat I dun understand coz I wasn’t there when it happened and they seem didn’t care if I didn’t join the conversation. But d strangest for me is when my bezfriend say something to another friend, who also a friend of mine, but he didn’t wan me 2 hear it and when I asked wat’s wrong, he said it didn’t important.. In mind I was thinking “Is it dat long I’ve gone dat now my bezfriend, who usually share everything now cannot say something in front of me and dat he now hv new bezfriend?” Before, he’s very close to me than 2 the other friend in the group and now I felt like I’m juz a “han’ out friend” 2 him.. The longer I stay the more worse it got.. When I was left alone with my “old bezfriend”, we even didn’t say anything 2 each other, like we never been friend before.. I guess its really weird when somehow u juz get left out like dat.. I often heard, for a long time ago, someone said dat people come and go in our lives but only true friend will leave footprint in our lives.. I’ve heard dat so many times but I never thought dat it will actually happened 2 me.. You must be thinking dat I’m 2 naïve for thinking dat way.. I do know that sometimes people juz easily left u but I really never think dat it will happened 2 “my group” since we’ve been friends for quite some times.. I seriously thinking dat my friendship wit them going 2 last 4ever, or at least for a long time.. Sure its naïve for me 2 thinking dat way, but there are times when I dun know wat I’m going 2 do if I dun hv them so it is scary for me to imagine wat life would be without them.. And now may be for d first time I realize dat it’s happening and I must face it dat may be I already dun belong 2 “their group” anymore and there are things dat not as eternal as u wan 2 be…
At first I do feel disappointed but than I realize “hey dat’s life”.. Nothing timeless in diz life n I guess friendship is one of d thing dat’z not eternal.. I dunno if thiz is rite coz for me juz d idea of dat happening is scary but it did happened anyway.. Further, I guess people change.. We use to get along well but when u change and u found dat people surround u didn’t, u may thinking about less han’out wit them, specially when they cannot understand wat u’re saying or vice versa.. I guess dat’z wat happening 2 me.. I was 2 busy with my duty n not paying attention to my friends n when I look back at them, they’re not the same person I think they are, n may be 4 them I’m not the same person as I used 2 be.. Moreover, I do believe dat life is a journey n every person hv their own way, sometimes we meet at an “intersection” n for a while we may take the same path 2gether, but obviously at the end we hv 2 split up coz u hv different path 2 take.. Its sucks specially when u realize dat u’re the only one dat need 2 finished your own journey n in doing dat sometimes u hv 2 walk alone.. Indeed its lonely, n I do feel dat rite now but in d front “intersection”, someone new might come along n may be u can walk with him/her 2gether till d end……………
Last but not least, I believe every story has a lesson.. Oscar Wilde once said, if its good its wonderful, if its bad its experience.. So wat can I take from diz lesson?? First may be I need 2 learn not 2 be so dependent on other people, learn 2 trust on yourself more then u trust someone else because he might know u but he will never understand the real u.. Second, u might realize that God is d only friend dat would never leave u, whether u’re in d moment of happiness or in misery.. Third, always believe dat things happen for a reason.. May be u need 2 get away from them 2 develop yourself.. Juz hv faith dat it will go to a better direction since u hv God 2 show u d way…
Wat do you guyz think???? Do u ever felt d same???? Feel free 2 share…